The BAD ASS LUCERO

is for sale, I hate to see it go, but I made an offer on a house and I’m almost optimistic it will be accepted. The less I have to move, the happier I am. Description below:

No bike in the history of man has done what this bike has. Sure there are tons of bikes out there. Stock, neutered, souless bikes. Bikes that succumbed to the sound and fury that this bike is. Bikes that thought they were bad ass only to find out they were at best what an ass drops on the ground. Bikes that brightly colored and cheerful prior to the race, ended up ugly, desecrated, violated, broken shells of their former selves. Maybe you ride one of those? You shouldn’t.

After all, The BAD ASS LUCERO has waged war in 4 countries. Across the US, in 8 different states, this bike has broken the spirit of brands like cervelo and trek. In the EU brands like principia, scott and cannonrail melted under it’s fury. In Canada, where it didn’t even have to put up much of a fight, brands like orbea, kuota and specialized fell before it begging for mercy. But none was delivered. There is no mercy in this bike. In fact it’s filled with souls, souls of all those other bikes who it has belittled and beaten down, souls from the ugly red, blue, grey, orange and yellow bikes that came before it. It’s DEATH. Death to my and now your competitors. it has shown nothing but a desire to slay. A desire to destroy. A desire to entomb within it, all those who dare come before it. It’s the worst that Satan can think of filled with the power of Jesus wielding 10,000 Death Stars pointed at your little planet.

It’s seen and won more battles then any general in history of man. Ghengis Khan would crap in his deer skin pants if this bike came before his army. Sure it’s scratched here and there from it. How could you not be? You can’t fly all over the world picking fights with the biggest bullies on the block without getting dinged here and there (maybe if it only went to Canada, but it went more places then that). It’s armor was never pierced, it’s spirit never damaged, it’s machismo never dinged. Chicks dig scars and this bike will get you laid faster then you could do it on your own in a whore house with $500 cash in your hand.

Can you handle a bike like this? A bike filled with 1000s of souls from those other brands. A bike so battle tested, so victorious that a 1 balled man could have won the TDF had he ridden it this past year. But a 1 balled man isn’t man enough for this bike (although he did hit an olsen twin, sheryl crow and who knows who else so 2 thumbs up for him for that).

Don’t contact me about this bike if you don’t have the balls to look your competitors in the eye and tell them “I’ll come back onto the run course and jog it in with you if you want”. If you can’t tell them they should have “stayed home for the sake of your wife and kids” you probably shouldn’t be riding this bike. (if you are a tall say 5-10 or taller, lean chick go ahead and contact me…NOW).

Do you have the backbone, the balls, the fortitude to be the baddest bad ass on the block? Do you want to possess those things? If so then this bike is for you. If not and you’re still thinking about this bike, go put some vaseline on your oh wait this is a family friendly blog.

So here is what you get. A 1 of a kind 2006 size med BAD ASS LUCERO. With victorious battle scratches on it. It’s black, of course.
cane creek headset
profile 120 stem
2006 DA BB, f&r dérailleurs, brakes
2009 Ultegra cranks and rings 53/39, under 600 miles on them
2009 Ultegra chain under 600 miles on it.
Your manhood, swagger and savageness that you should have had in the first place. (or if you’re a female, the ferocity to destroy the rest your training group while making the dudes nuts shrivel and ascend into their stomach while complimenting you about your beauty and superiority)

$801 shipped.

Leave a message if interested with a way to contact you.

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4 Responses to “The BAD ASS LUCERO”

  1. the image of your bike just cracked my computer screen. Damn it!

  2. Hahahahaa… great post. Laughed my ass off, especially at the Olsen Twin/S. Crow comment.

    Cheers.

  3. I’m having a hot flash just looking at it!

  4. I guess I fall into the short category and should not contact you. Duly noted.

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