Good Bye Xbox

I’m sad to see you go.  But it has to be done.  You were evil.  You forced me to choose you over swimming (well lets face it, I’d choose just about anything over swimming) you caused me to put on my running shoes, but not run. My bikes sat gathering dust and I blame you in part.

Ms. Pac Man I love you, really I do.  But lets face it, my skills, are greatly diminished from the days of my youth. And you controller, your no joystick worthy of being used for such a great game.  No longer could a quarter entertain me for less then a penny per minute.  The days of my Mom giving me $.50 to get out of the house for 45min to an hour so I’d stop bugging her are over, just like my ability to clear 5 -6 boards before watching you die for the first time.  I don’t see anymore 100,000 + scores in my future, unless it comes from my W2.  I’ll miss the cherries, strawberries, peaches, apples, bananas, pretzels, and other tasty treats you tempted me with.  Most of them healthy. Some days it’s the only fruit I ate, some days I even got my FDA recommended 3 servings all in the first board.  Virtual fruit probably won’t help my diet any though. I have started, inspired by your voracious fruit eating habit, to eat at least an orange, banana or apple per day.   So I have to send you back xbox.

Ghost recon goodbye.  We never really got along, I think I need better eyesight to play you, plus you kept getting me killed within minutes of starting a game.  All the planning, selecting my team then finally going on a mission, well lets face it, I’d rather just play a good shoot and blow things up from the start game. In my opinion video games aren’t for over thinking, but for thinking enough, so that your movements becomes second nature.  One day, maybe, we can meet again with better feelings from my end. Don’t be sad, my door is always opened to you, tentatively, and you may never get out of your box, but you can always come in from the rain.

Halo2, you will be missed. I’m sad to see you go. I always wondered what really was at the end of the campaign. I loved the way I could color coordinate my body armor. As if green on green could get any better.  I always felt bad though when I was the Arbiter.  Which seemed to be more of the game.  There were even a few times I killed Marines. It was great playing Mano against Mano on the split screen.  Stalking, trading weapons so I could get a pair of SMG’s dual wielding with another in reserve. That’s a lot of lead to throw on a target, plus grenades as you ditched the empty weapon.  In fact, I went up on Jeff in the first game, then he stormed back to a 1 game lead.  Then I ran 5 games on him sealing his death.  It would have been a sixth game, but instead of using my plasma rifle and smg, I ditched both for a sniper rifle then charged him in the hallway. (note to self, wait until shield’s fully recharge)  But I thought 2 shots with the sniper rifle at close range should have done him it. Maybe I missed that first shot as I rounded the corner, maybe it’s only head shots that kill with one. He hung on,  I lost the smgs I had stashed, plus the plasma rifle all to be cool trying to engaged in CQB with a damn sniper rifle using it as a point an shoot weapon.   Probably should have used a grenade as well.  Oh well, in the end, I, Bringrrr of Death, had prevailed. 

Xbox I almost kept you because of Halo.  But I could see where this would have gone.  I’d have ended up getting a gamer tag, an online subscription, and you know I’m frugal. I like my money in the bank, I have things I want to do with it.  Netflix is my one indulgence.   It would have come down to watching movies at my convenience or killing my online gaming friends.   I already had friends giving me their gamer tags. I just wasn’t sure if they wanted to just have an easy target to kill, or if they actually wanted to play against me. Xbox, I’ll let you in on a secret.  I wanted to get a gamer tag. I wanted to be able to defeat the flood and do it fast, without getting killed over and over and over again. I wanted to be able to drive a ghost like they did, instead of herky jerky.  I wanted to be able to get in a room with my friends and kill them, not with kindness, but with a plasma grenade, stuck to their chest so they could do nothing, nothing but wait for the inevitable explosion, announcing their parting from the game.  But I’m choosing Netflix.  You got a bit boring at parts xbox.  All the mazes, look the same and it became predictable, especially when playing the Arbiter.  The patterns I picked up quickly. I could drop an enemy with an overcharged pistol and battle rifle in two or was it three shots.  4 really if you count the 3 shot spread the battle rifle fires. Really, all I wanted to do, was run around, killing and blowing shit up. Maybe I should have gotten online and had some fun.  

But xbox, I need to train. Being sick, it was great to have you here. We had fun, hours of fun. You were like the brother I never had and the sister who used to beat me up. You made me want to get better, conquer my enemies (with out getting grounded by Mom), but, my enemies exist. On a different battle field.  One that requires very little eye hand coordination.  One that requires an enormous amount of time, actually riding my bike instead, instead of using the water bottle cages to hold my beverages so I could play. One that requires me to actually run, more then 10 miles per week, or ride only on the weekends.  One where I should go to the pool 2 or even 3x per week. Xbox, if I had kept you, and you didn’t red circle of death on me, I think we might have been too good of friends.  Your controller, while no proper joystick for Ms Pac Man, felt natural in my hand, it fit better then any swim paddle I own.  I own 4 pair of paddles.  Once I learned the buttons, and at some point, I no longer had to look at what each did, it was like a second part of me.  I could swap weapons in the middle of a firefight, toss a grenade,and dual wield again without thinking about it.  But Xbox, lets face it.  I’m too weak, too weak not be seduced by you when you call to me. Ultimately, my real battles would have been lost to you, and my demons would have been replaced by those not on screen.

Good bye Xbox.  Until, sometime, hopefully, we can meet again, at a time and place when I can live with you around.

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One Response to “Good Bye Xbox”

  1. The XBox is crying. It doesn’t handle rejection well.

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